i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
