i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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