im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
