Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
