words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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