just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
