My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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