Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
