I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
