I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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