Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
