I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's like iHOP with fire
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
