Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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