there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
