You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
