I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
