Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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