Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
