So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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