3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
