its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
