The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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