he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
