mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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