well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
