I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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