He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
