I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
