I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
