I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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