We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
