dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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