Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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