Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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