Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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