i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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