I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
