haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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