your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
