He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Still dying that you shit outside
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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