Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
