Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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