I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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