I cannot find my penis.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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