You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
