The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
