Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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