Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
