OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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