my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
