The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
