I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
