i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you remember whose house we're in?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
