I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
