Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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