my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
