We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
