Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
