i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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